Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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