Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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