false alarm. still invincible.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
