What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
