but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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