I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
