I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
