never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
