Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
