Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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