He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
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Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
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I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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