What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
MIDGETS
????
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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