a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
