Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
