YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
