i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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