I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
