Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
