i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
