I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
