drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
