i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
