what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
