So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
foreskin is a definite game changer
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
