My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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