i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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