You made eat vitamins until I threw up
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
