i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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