I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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