My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
accomplished twins. life is a go
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
be right there i have to get my cape
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
