there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
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So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
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Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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