Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
