if only i could text you this smell
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
