If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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