So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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