Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
