My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
