I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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