I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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