in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
