i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
