He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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