Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
