I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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