the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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