Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
