i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
