Already got asked if we're dating
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
