I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
