I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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