I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
