you traded sex for a burrito?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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