I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
