When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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