Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So apparently I’m into choking now
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