So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
