I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
