My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
